I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
