I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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