anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
