all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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