i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
