____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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