I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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