If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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