My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
it was like eating out sand paper
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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