i wish my penis had a tongue
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
ok first of all what the fuck
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
