8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
