cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
