Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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