yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
