2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I cannot find my penis.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
