were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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