We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
