I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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