I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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