Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
