My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
