The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
