She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
