I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
