Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
