Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
