I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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