one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Randomize
