I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
