Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
