Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
