Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
