the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
