I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
