i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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