1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
