Cold hands, warm shart.
I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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