"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I need water and some morals
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
