allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
