I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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