i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
