I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
