omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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