I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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