last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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