im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
