Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Found your dick twin last night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
