nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
