she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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