I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
